lost girl


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I’ve always been the girl who knew exactly what she wanted from life. I started piano lessons at age 8 and ever since then I have known precisely what I wanted from life. To be a pianist. To play music professionally. To teach music professionally. At age 12, my new piano teacher asked me what I wanted from music lessons, “To be a concert pianist,” I answered confidently. Now, exactly a decade later, I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

In January of this year, I had a massive quarter-life-crisis. I was a senior pursuing my degree in Piano Performance, had just submitted eight graduate school applications to prestigious music schools across the country, and then suddenly, I realized I didn’t want any of it anymore. I didn’t want the stress, I didn’t want the anxiety, I didn’t want the depression, I didn’t want the crippling stage fright, I didn’t want to lock myself in a practice room for five hours every day, I didn’t want to isolate myself from my friends and family,  I didn’t want the lack of sleep, and I didn’t want the silent tears of frustration and loneliness every time I sat down on the piano bench in the lonely practice room. Once I made this decision I was suddenly terrified because before I had always known exactly who I was and what I wanted from life. I was used to introducing myself by saying, “I’m a pianist,” and “I can’t come to your party; I have to practice,” had been my answer to invitations for so long. Being a pianist had always been one of the largest parts of my identity. Now I was lost.

News flash: I am still lost but I did make some decisions. I decided not to graduate in May of 2016. Instead I added an English Education major. And a political science minor. And I’ll be in school for at least two more years. After that, I have no idea! However, ever since I was 4 years old, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I was 6 when I started keeping my first journal. Clearly, reading and writing have always been an integral part of my being. I have been debating politics with my dad since I started  listening to conservative talk radio at age 13 and this election year is holding me as a riveted hostage. But how I will turn these interests into a career is the great mystery of my existence.

This summer has been hard for me. For the first time in my life, I have the summer free. I don’t have a long list of repertoire and scales that must be perfected before school starts. I don’t have to practice for 7 hours a day. After the initial thrill of freedom wore off, I suddenly began to feel pangs of panic.

“What am I doing with my life?”

“How can I be the hard working, ambitious woman that I’ve always been if I don’t know what to work for?”

“What will the future hold?”

These questions remain unanswered but instead of focusing on fear, I have instead decided to turn my energy onto this blog. Instead of worrying and stressing about what I want to do after graduation, I will write here. Until I get that dream job of writing as a political correspondent for Vogue magazine, this blog will have to do.

Stay tuned for my next post where I will explain my vision for The Culture Columns and what kind of posts you can expect in the future.

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2 Comments

  1. I’m so so proud of you. You are an amazing person. You shared your music with others for 14 years. You were a blessing to others by sharing your music for all those years. It was hard work for you, you sacrificed much for that gift you shared. When others heard/saw you perform, it was a priceless gift that will stay with them for a lifetime. Now, you’re moving on and because of the amazing person you are, you want to keep giving of yourself. Now, you are moving from music to sharing your compassion for life, your thoughts, your intellect and you’re sharing the window to your heart and soul. And you do that effortlessly. While it seems to you that you were lost, The Lord was actually leading you around the corner and YOU were brave enough to follow into the unknown, the uncomfortable. You get an idea, a thought or a dream and you just do it, you go after it. You have already learned, at a young age, that accomplishing dreams and goals are only considered success if you are enjoying the journey that you’re on, enjoying the people God has placed around you, and enjoying the beauty in little things every day….because what are accomplishments if we forget to live and love life along the way. You are complete enough in yourself to go after what you want. I respect and admire that so much in you. YOU are a GIFT. Keep sharing what you are and have. So many people were blessed by your music. And I feel that even more people will be blessed (and already are) by the gift of WHO you are and your willingness to share that with others. People need people and you have learned that. Keep shining, keep striving and keep sharing. Even though you feel you have been lost, I’m already enjoying the view from here, and that’s watching you fly. Your wings may feel weak at times, but the more you fly, the higher you soar the stronger you will become. Unknown territory is scary …but keep doing what you’re doing. Just being you, being the kind, intellectual, brave, strong, changer of the world that you are. Words will never be enough to describe my love for you. And even though you are a strong, confident, smart, beautiful young lady you will forever be my baby girl!! ❤️❤️❤️ I love you!! ❤️❤️❤️ Prov. 3:5-6 😘

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  2. This is all a part of growing in the adult world to what God has created you to be. As you aspire to be that person, you will influence so many lives. You are the best

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